• Script for My Body, My Gender rogue Vagina Monologue.

    We have a story in my family. My brother is young, nursing his favorite doll. I’m going to be a mommy when I grow up. Mom is proud, but corrects him: Boys grow up to be daddies. She’s only trying to be accurate, but he sets down the doll, and never picks it up again. Cis doesn’t mean simple, he tells me now, a father of two.

    If I had a story like that, maybe everything would make sense. Maybe I could string this together into a narrative: beginning, middle, and end.

    Two months ago, I woke up in a hospital bed with my vagina wrapped in bandages. There’s a man at the foot of my bed, a stranger.

    Congratulations! How does it feel? You’re finally Miriam!
    — I What? That’s… what? I’ve been Miriam.

    I’ve had a recognizable vulva for 8 weeks, but that’s none of your business, and not why I’m here. I’ve used the name Miriam since 2015, and started hormone replacement a few months later. But I’ve been a woman since I grew too old to be a girl. I remember her, young Miriam, boy Miriam, not quite a boy, but sure – she’s fuzzy, third-person, with a name she never liked. A boy who never existed, and yet she’ll always be a part of me. A boy who believed what she was told about genitals and genders.

    I didn’t know. How could I know? Dysphoria doesn’t come with a technical manual: transition 101. I never presented the clinical criteria. I wasn’t consistent, insistent, or persistent until I was 33. I have no hate for the dangly bits – only detached disinterest.

    You go your way, and I’ll go mine.

    I grew a beard. I used my beard as a beard, the way lesbians and gay boys team up to throw you off our scent. In that story, I’m the lesbian; but I’m also the beard.

    Even then, I was me: a younger Miriam. Even then, I was part of this story: what it means to have a vagina. What it means for my vagina to be inside-out.

    Genitals and genders. What you see is not always what I see. What you get is not what I get. There is no one way to have a genital, and no one way to be a gender.

    I was originally going to read an Eve Ensler monologue titled They Beat The Girl Out Of My Boy… Or So They Tried. And I can talk about that violence – the rapes and abuse we’ve all suffered at the hands of normal men, who will go on to do great things in government.

    Last week they announced that I don’t exist, and have no rights. That I don’t deserve housing, and I shouldn’t have health care. I shouldn’t have a job, or use the bathroom, or go outside, or be alive in public. Think of the women and children.

    Not me.
    Not us.
    The other women, and the other children.

    But this isn’t their monologue, it’s mine. I would rather tell you stories about the joy we have hidden in our trans bodies, the euphoria in our unexpected genitals. Not as empty inspiration, it doesn’t always get better, but to reclaim my story.

    I’ve spent years discovering new ways to be in the world – to cry openly, to feel without reservation, to say I’m sorry, and I love you, and I mean it. To take back what was taken away.

    I find others, discovering their gender for the first time – mothers and fathers, parents of all genders, siblings, and mentors – elders who went through hell, to make the world safer for me. We build our own families. Families of choice, filled with love and support and fear and trauma and acceptance. All of us drowning alone, but dreaming of a better world, and building it together.

    It’s taken work to get here, and slowly – eventually – to love even myself. I find Mira Bellwether’s guide to Fucking Trans Women and study the anatomy of reproductive homologues – the way bodies make different shapes from the same material. I discover the vagina I already have, elongated and exposed – shuffled but not missing. And sure, tucking it back inside has been lovely, but it’s not why I’m here.

    Because that girl-dick was also my vulva, my body, my female biology. I find lovers who understand that a vagina doesn’t have to look one way. I learn to be intimate again, to trust, to be touched without flinching.

    Is this what they mean by gender euphoria? The joy of having a gender, of being a gender, of understanding yourself for the first time? I never thought it was possible to feel happy in a body, happy to have a gender.

    My body. My gender.

    theater’ orgs

    Grapefruit Lab

    Co-Founder: Multimedia performance laboratory & theater ensemble

    The LIDA Project

    Technical Director: Art theatre designed to infect the mind

    Countdown to Zero

    Technical Director: 10-show political theater collective

    New World Arts

    Artistic Director: Ensemble theater, gallery, and event space

    Goshen College

    Student & Master Electrician: Theater, writing, & visual arts

    Oregon Shakespeare Festival

    Stage Management Intern: Among the oldest & largest professional non-profit theatres in the nation.

    70 ‘theater’ episodes


    Vagina Monologues @ Firehouse Art Center

    | theater

    I was invited to perform a Vagina Monologue, and ended up writing my own.

    Celebration, Florida @ square product theatre

    | theater

    an un-rehearsed play by Greg Wohead


    My Body, My Gender

    | script

    Script for My Body, My Gender rogue Vagina Monologue.

    Outside The Room @ Denver Center for the Performing Arts

    | theater

    A family struggles to find humanity and normalcy in a world made uncertain and strange after the transformation and “othering” of one of their own. This physical theatre piece imagines what happens on the other side of the iconic door in Kafka’s Metamorphosis.

    JANE/EYRE @ The Bakery

    | theater

    We are not here to flatter egotism, or prop up humbug; we are merely telling the [queer] story. We value what is good in the book; but we believe in the existence of other, and more vivid kinds of goodness.



    The In-Between @ Rio Mesa Center

    | theater

    Try to locate the moon. Look longingly at the sky. Talk to others. Don’t lose track of where you are. This is the invitation from the Warbler to the other canyon inhabitants of the audience.



    The Post-Obsolete BookELO Conference

    | project

    An archival rhizome ecology in ten parts, and a reflection on the obsolescence of obsolescence – documented on the cloud, and open-sourced as a defense against post-post-obsolescence.



    The Post-Obsolete BookSLSA 2012 – Electronic Literature and the Nonhuman

    | project | Milwaukee, WI

    The Post-Obsolete Book @ post-obsolete.com

    | project

    An archival rhizome ecology in ten parts, and a reflection on the obsolescence of obsolescence – documented on the cloud, and open-sourced as a defense against post-post-obsolescence.


    Missa Populi

    | script

    A modern, theatrical interpretation of the Catholic Mass – created by Grapefruit Lab and Teacup Gorilla.

    Missa Populi @ PackingHouse Center for the Arts

    | theater

    Combining the sacrifice, transcendence, blood, and circumstance of the Catholic Mass with history, live music, science, dance, literature, and pop culture to find a wholly modern communion experience. What we have left is our selves, broken and battered, but surviving together.

    Roller Skating With My CousinBINDERY | space

    | theater | Denver, CO

    Part science lab, part disco, Roller Skating With My Cousin is a lively, dark romp in which synchronized roller skaters build a tower under a star-flecked mirror ball sky.


    A Murder One LessBINDERY | space

    | theater

    She is a plain and pensive woman. He is a rather ordinary man who lives in an extraordinary house. This house does algebraic equations and plots violence. One evening, woman, man, and house collide; not all of them survive.

    RAIN/ of terrorBINDERY | space

    | theater | Denver, CO

    The citizens are easily roused and swayed, as a culture of fear infects the city with the constant threat of execution.


    The Anonymous Mr. W.BINDERY | space

    | theater | Denver, CO

    Inspired by Georg Büchner’s unfinished masterpiece, Woyzeck, The LIDA Project reinterprets the story of a young soldier returning from the horrors of war.

    (#9) The Resistible Rise of Arturo UiBINDERY | space

    | theater

    A parable play and fantastic spectacle, warning of the dangers of a desperate populace handing over power to a corrupt leader.

    Untitled #39 | Dresden Dolls @ Bluebird Theater

    | theater | Denver, CO

    We created this site-specific and interactive performance as an opening act for the Dresden Dolls – performed in the lobby.

    (#10) My Name Is Rachel Corrie @ Countdown to Zero

    | theater | Las Vegas, NV

    Rachel Corrie (April 10, 1979 – March 16, 2003) was an American member of the International Solidarity Movement (ISM) who traveled to the Gaza Strip during the Al-Aqsa Intifada. She was killed when she tried to obstruct a Caterpillar D9 armored bulldozer o perated by the Israel Defense Forces (IDF.)

    The LIDA Project

    | theater | Denver, CO

    Founded in 1995, The LIDA Project is a meta-media art collective dedicated to experimental live performance.


    Countdown to Zero

    | theater | Denver, CO

    Countdown to Zero is a political theatre collective established in 2007 by Brian Freeland & Julie Rada. The collective has committed to a series of 10 theatrical works (10 counting down to zero) at which time the collective will disband.

    Bigger Guns III @ New World Arts

    | theater

    A live action comedy, inspired by the movies, and created by our ensemble.


    Hello and Goodbye @ New World Arts

    | theater

    A sister and brother dig through the rubble of their lives…

    Fear/Falling @ New World Arts

    | theater

    OCD and love produce the same chemical in the brain…


    Sadomasochism @ New World Arts

    | theater

    We hurt ourselves for love…

    In a Time of War @ New World Arts

    | theater

    Based on a series of interviews with Annie in 2003, this play was produced first by Goshen College as a runner-up for the International Peace Play Contest, and then in collabiration with New World Arts for my senior thesis production.


    Criminal Hearts @ New World Arts

    | theater

    It’s not a great script, but it was my full-length directorial debut.

    Every Other Day @ New World Arts

    | theater

    Another day in the lives of Milo & Sam.


    In a Time of War

    | script

    Reflections of a Mennonite holocaust survivor after the war

    Antony & Cleopatra @ Oregon Shakespeare Festival

    | theater | Ashland, OR

    A glittering tragedy, a passionate romance, and an internship opportunity.


    A Lie of the Mind @ New World Arts

    | theater

    Some brutal Sam Sheppard…


    The House of Yes @ New World Arts

    | theater

    The play by Wendy MacLeod.

    Danny and the Deep Blue Sea @ New World Arts

    | theater

    My first forray into professional theater, as a lighting designer for New World Arts.

    New World Arts

    | theater | Goshen, IN

    Founded in 1998 as New World Players, we produced original & alternative ensemble theater for over a decade – along with an art gallery and event space.