An action comedy for the stage, based on our favorite movie tropes. The script was devised by the entire ensemble, lead by Michelle Milne, Miriam, Emily Swora, and Ben Jacobs. I don’t believe this is the final script…
Scene 1: Hostages
The doors of the theatre don’t open and don’t open and they still aren’t open. People with headsets and/or walkie-talkies and/or guns occasionally run through the lobby or sneak through talking into their lapels or mumbling and touching their ears. First one, then several, then none and none and none and lots and only one and then silence. The show should have started by now.
If there are extras mingling with the audience they aren’t in character. when their friends ask ‘aren’t you in the show?’ they say ‘yes’ and ‘you see - the script calls for -’ and ‘it’s just like them here at NWA, always doing things like that’ and something about the atmosphere of the show and meta-theatre and surprising the audience.
Then the lights go out and it is absolutely dark and silent. There is a crash and some giggling, a cough and silence again. Then flashlights. First one then all around, or first all around and then one. Are they looking for something? Someone? Or are they just scanning the crowd? All at once they all focus on Chain Daisysaw who says:
And presses the button on a bomb that will blow everyone to kingdom come as the lights all go off. There is a silence and some giggling again and a pause and the lights are turned back on. Chain is shaking the bomb and hitting it on her palm, jiggling it to get it working. She looks up sheepishly. As sheepishly as any super-villain can look up at her would-be victims after a failed explosion.
Chain: Anyone have a screwdriver? Or a lighter? Or a bomb, or something?
No one does, but someone offers her a knife or a spork or both
Chain: Right well. Make do, I always say. Killer!
Killer, her sidekick, steps out of the crowd
Killer: Yes Boss.
Chain: Take them hostage.
Killer: I thought you were going to kill them.
Chain: Plan B.
Killer: What’s my cue?
Chain: This is your cue.
She points a gun at Killer’s head
Killer: You heard the boss - MOVE!
Killer shuffles everyone into the theatre
Killer: Into the theatre. Sit. Sit. Anywhere. Does it look like I give a damn? Take a seat. Enjoy the show. DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. Welcome, welcome. I SAID SIT.
Killer gives the New World intro speech, followed by:
Killer: You’ve been taken hostage, so do what you’re told - no funny business.
She looks around to make sure Chain is gone
Killer: Sorry about all that. That wasn’t supposed to be in this play at all. That was a flashback to Bigger Guns II: The Decider: Decide Harder. I think it also happened in Bigger Guns One: The Really Very Last Stand, but they start to blur you know… It’s hard to think of new plots for these things…
Chain (OFF): Killer!
Killer: Well, Evil calls. Thank you, and enjoy the show.
Scene 2: Lost Keys
Through all of this, Daisy is on stage (at her home) in Samurai meditation with her sword. The lights go down on the audience and she finishes her ritual, returning her sword carefully to the proper place on it’s rack. Then she exits and returns in uniform for the shoe store where she works, buttoning the final buttons and straightening the last crinkles and pins. Everything is in place for her first day of work.
Daisy: What am I forgetting? What am I forgetting? What am I forgetting?
She pats herself down, turns in a circle to look around the room. Clarence enters.
Clarence: You’re keys again?
She has a British accent
Daisy: Where did I - ?
Clarence: Here. They were in the sink.
They look at each other for a moment. Why the sink? Daisy grabs her keys, touches the sword or something else for good luck and heads out the door
Scene 3: Work
Harry is at the store counting money in the cash register when Daisy enters, obviously a little late and a little nervous. This might all be video footage…
Harry: Hi. Great. Come on in.
He has a vaguely foreign accent that keeps changing
Daisy: I’m sorry, I -
Harry: Daisy, right? You’re early. You’re just in time. Come come come. Harry. Hi.
Harry begins to show her around the store. Orienting her to the cash register and the shelves and shoes and everything she needs
Harry: It’s so good to have you working for us.
Daisy: Thanks, it’s a big help for me you know - getting this job.
Harry: Oh, it’s really no problem. So you’re a… Decorator you said? Interior -
Harry: Oh yes. Sorry.
Daisy: Yes well. I wanted to be a lumberjack, but the pay wasn’t very good.
Harry: You don’t say.
Daisy: I do.
Harry: And landscaping?
Daisy: Slow in the off-season. Thanks for the job.
Harry: My pleasure. Absolutely. Well, Looks like you have the ropes. I’ve got to take off, you know. Busy life being a shoe exec. If you need anything just ring.
He points to a red phone with a single red button on it
Harry: Just in emergencies of course.
He exits. On his way out his phone rings
Scene 4: Bribes
The scene has changed and now we see Chain silhouetted against anything really talking into a phone. She is sitting behind a desk with her feat up and a cigar. The Mayor is sitting quietly and obediently in another chair. During the conversation, Killer drags some hapless nobody in. Chain looks at the nobody and makes a dismissive motion with her hand. Killer drags the person backstage and we hear horrible (though unexpected) noises as they are eliminated
Chain: Harry. I’ve got the Mayor. No, the Mayor. Mr. uh - Kauffman right?
The Mayor nods
Chain: Mayor Kauffman. Alan Kauffman, yeah. No, I have him right here. Yeah, he’ll do it.
The Mayor nods. Chain throws a nickel out on the floor and the Mayor scoops it up.
Chain: You got the shoes? Backorder? Fine, just get them to me, it’s important. Don’t ask, just do. I need them. What about Daisy? If you can’t beat ‘em higher ‘em - isn’t that right, mayor?
Another nod, another nickel
Scene 5: Robbery
Back in the store, after some time two goons enter and look around at the shoes. They are doing a poor job of pretending they aren’t super-evil villains.
Daisy: Can I, uh, help you two?
They hit each other
Goon One: You can run and hide, little girl.
Goon Two: Yeah - We’re the boogy man. Boo.
Daisy: Well. Would you like some, um, shoes?
They hit each other
Goon Two: We don’t need your little girl help, little girl.
Goon One: That’s right, little girly girl.
Goon Two: Girl.
Goon One: I think these are them.
Goon Two: They have the right laces?
Goon One: Yeah.
Goon Two: Yeah, that’s ‘em all right. Let’s go.
Goon One: We want these shoes little girl. But we don’t want to pay for them.
Goon Two: No we don’t.
Goon One: Our boss told us not to.
Goon Two: Yes she did.
Goon One slaps Goon Two
Goon Two: Yes he did. May he rest in peace.
They laugh, and start to leave with the shoes (in a shoe box of course). Daisy steps in front of them like any good hero
Daisy: Well this is you’re lucky day.
Goon One: It is?
She knocks their heads together, grabs the box and runs towards the phone. Chase scene. They get the box back. She is chasing them, but she trips - and it looks like she has really hurt herself. she lies still. they lean over to see if she’s all right and she jumps up and grabs the shoe box and runs to the back of the store. They chase her around for a bit, when Harry enters. Everyone chases everyone with the shoe box flying around in an intricate game of keep-away where it’s not entirely clear who is chasing whom. Daisy throws to Harry and the box is easily intercepted by a goon.
Goon One: You throw like a little girly girl.
Daisy: I kick like one too.
She kicks Goon One who flies against the back wall. She goes to kick Goon Two, but he ducks and she kicks Harry, who was sneaking up behind. She has quite a kick. There is more fighting in which Daisy is doing all the work and Harry is just in the way. At some point, while she is helping Harry out, the goons get away with the box.
Harry: You’ve got some kick.
Scene 6: Replacement
Somewhere else: The goons
Goon One: Stop. We’re good.
Goon Two: We’re great.
Goon One: I mean we got away.
Goon Two: We’re the best.
Goon One: Let me see the box.
Goon Two: What box?
Goon One: The shoe box, you idiot. The one we stole.
Goon Two: I thought you had it.
Goon One: I don’t have it!
Goon Two: We must have dropped it.
Goon One: You must have dropped it! The Boss’s going to kill you!
Goon Two: No she isn’t. Follow me.
Someone is packing a shoe box full of special memories, photos etc. They are interrupted by the goons running through with masks and grabbing the shoe box away from them and running out
Someone: Hey! Wait!
The bad guys turn around and shoot him/her over and over. It’s excessive
Scene 7: The News
Clarence and Daisy are watching the news. They have it TiVo’d
Harry (Voice on TV): It’s Harry. Harry P. Zeitgeist.
Reporter (Voice): Right. Mr. Zeitgeist. (I feel like I’ve seen you before…) You say you were robbed.
Harry (Voice): Very. They almost killed my new employee. I had to save her. Look what they did to my face. But I fought them off. Gave ‘em hell. I’m quite a fighter. I’ve been on the cover of Fortune 500.
Daisy: Liar… Wait a second. Wait. Stop it. Go Back. Is that you in the back there?
Clarence: Yeah, that’s me.
Daisy: What are you carrying?
Clarence: A box of shoes. I found them on the street and gave them back to the poor man.
Daisy: I’ll bet you did.
She hits play again
Harry (Voice): …had to save her. Look what they did to my face. But I fought them off. Gave ‘em hell. I’m quite a fighter. I’ve been on the cover of Fortune 500.
Reporter (Voice): For fighting?
Harry (Voice): For selling.
Reporter (Voice): Did anyone else witness the theft? Are you a witness? What’s your name?
Clarence: (Voice) Clarence. X. The ‘X’ is for ‘Xena’. Witness of what?
Reporter (Voice): Harry, can you say what it is exactly that you do?
Harry (Voice): My work is a search for personal truth in an age of chaos.
Reporter (Voice): Selling shoes?
Harry (Voice): That’s a bit pejorative, don’t you think?
Reporter (Voice): You consider yourself part of the current zeitgeist?
Harry (Voice): I am the current Zeitgeist. I’m the only Zeitgeist… What is that?
Clarence: (Voice) Shoes. I found them.
Harry (Voice): Can I have those? Excuse me…
Clarence: (Voice) Is the store closed?
Harry (Voice): Yes. Yes it is.
Reporter (Voice): Well that’s–
Daisy turns off the TV
Scene 8: Wrong Box
Chain Daisysaw is silhouetted against something in a very nice office, possibly with a cat in her lap on a large rolling office chair - just like any good bad-guy super-boss would - behind a desk. Is she smoking a cigar or filing her nails or both? Is she filling out tax forms in triplicate?
A VOICE Boss. Goons.
Chain: Let them in.
Does she sound strangely like The Godfather? The goons enter
Chain: Where is it?
Goons: Right here, Boss.
Chain: What’s this?
Goons: The shoe box.
Chain: Inside it.
Chain: Look you idiots!
Goons: Looks like old photos and some letters. Christmas cards. A broken watch.
Chain: This is the wrong box. Killer!
Killer enters, cracking her knuckles
Chain: Hurt them.
Killer does - a la the Stooges more than anything. Some slapstick clown routine
Chain: Take them away.
Killer does, and then returns
Chain: Who’s all this?
Killer: Audience, Boss.
Chain: What are they doing here?
Killer: Just watching, Boss. Paying customers.
Chain: I don’t like them. They know too much.
Killer: Yes Boss.
Killer picks another audience member and hurts them a la WWE wrestling
Chain: Take them hostage. They might be useful.
Killer: We already did.
Chain: Well do it again!
Killer: Yes Boss.
Scene 9: Calling Mom
Harry is in his room crying on the phone
Harry: I just can’t handle it sometimes, mom. All the pressure. I’m haunted by my dreams. Ever since I made the cover of Fortune 500. No, I know. You always say that. You’re my mother! Well, it’s not easy representing an entire generation while running a shoe store. I know Dad did it. I know. Why do you always bring that up? Mom. Mom. I’ve got another call I have to take. Mom! Ok. Love you too. Bye. (presses some buttons) Zeitgeist. We represent. Yeah. Oh yeah. No. Crying? Me? No. No. Not at all. Yeah, I have them right here. Mauve? Sounds good. All of them? You’re the boss. Hello? Hello? Damn, why can’t she ever just say ‘goodbye’?
Scene 10: Inspiration
Daisy and Clarence. Daisy is lifting weights and doing samurai rituals. Clarence is reading a book.
Clarence: You don’t have to do this, you know.
Daisy: I do.
Clarence: It could have been a one-off.
Daisy: It wasn’t a one-off.
Clarence: But Shoes?
Daisy: Not just any shoes.
Clarence: Still, could have been a coincidence.
Daisy: The signature green shoelaces. She has to be behind it.
Clarence: You can’t mean…
Daisy: Dr. Daisysaw.
And then it hits her!
Daisy: Harry P Zeitgeist! A THREE RIG ZIT SPY!
Clarence: or A RITZY SHEET PRIG. What does that mean?
Daisy: It means I have to go.
She starts to put her shoes on
Clarence: Are those new shoes?
Daisy: I got them today. You like them?
Scene 11: ROCK INTERLUDE
Scene 12: Press Conference
The mayor enters. This is a press conference
We will not sit
And watch are community
And haters of Christ
Who would paint houses any which color.
We will stand firmly
Rooted in our shakeless boots
And Paint our houses Green.
All our houses.
Imagine the message this will send.
The Potential for Photosynthesis.
And so, fellow Goshenites.
Go Paint Your Houses Green For God And Country.
A few questions.
Reporter (AUDIENCE): Is there enough green paint in Goshen?
Mayor: That’s been taken care of. All the paint will be supplied by the new Cosy Appeal Paint Shop that has just opened downtown. And we’re out of time. Thank you everyone.
Scene 13: Schedules
Chain has been watching it on TV. She turns it off and smiles
The goons come in
Chain: Get me that shoe box.
She exits. They gear up with ski masks and the works and then sit down and get out their planners
Goon One: Hows Monday?
Goon Two: Kids soccer game i gotta coach.
Goon One: Right, right.
Goon Two: Hows Tuesday?
Goon One: Lunch with mother.
Goon Two: Thursday?
Goon One: I’m free before 6:00.
Goon Two: Ah!
Goon One: I’m free all day before 6:00.
Goon Two: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.
Goon Two: I’m going bananas.
Goon One: Gone bananas.
Goon Two: Ha.
Goon One: Haha.
Goon One: Lets go.
Scene 14: Back in Business
Harry is doing push-ups and/or lifting weights and/or speed-walking on a treadmill
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-nine bottles of beer
Take one down
Pass it around
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall
He grabs a beer and drinks it in one chug
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-eight bottles of beer
Take one down
Pass it around
Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall
His cell phone rings. He picks it up
The entire audience?
What will you do with them?
8:30, Electric Brew?
The Seagull Squawks at Midnight.
Puts down the phone. Picks up the phone and dials
Harry: We’re back in business.
Scene 15: Exchange
It’s dark. There is an exchange. A shoe box for a suit case.
Scene 16: ROCK INTERLUDE
Clarence is late
Daisy: Are those new shoes?
Daisy: I’ve never seen them before.
More ROCKING INTERLUDING
Scene 17: Date
Clarence on a date with Harry in a cafe. She is being overheard by Killer on some super-spy equipment
Clarence: So. This is a date.
Clarence: Okay. What do we do?
Harry: We order dinner.
Clarence: Are you paying?
Clarence: I’d rather pay.
Clarence: What else do we do?
Harry: It’s like a business meeting, except we talk about everything else besides business.
Clarence: What else is there?
Harry: In theory, nothing. But generally, you talk about your friends, your family, stuff you like to do, culture.
Clarence: My father stepped on a landmine. He died in three places. So my mother sold me to a brothel. Upwards of one thousand men. The rough ones liked me ‘cause I tried to fight back.
Harry: That doesn’t matter to me.
Clarence: It matters to me.
Harry: What. Uhm. What do you want?
Scene 18: Romantic Espionage
Killer and Chain
Chain: Was he there? How’s he doing?
Killer: Pretty normal, I guess.
Chain: What was he doing?
Killer: he was on a date.
Scene 19: The Plot
Clarence and Daisy
Daisy: What did you do tonight?
Clarence: I had a date.
Daisy: How nice. I solved the crime.
Clarence: Did you?
Daisy: Yeah, look at this.
She hands Clarence a diagram
Daisy: That’s right.
Clarence: This is quite a plot.
Daisy: Sure is. Even the Mayor is in on it. He passes the bill to make us all paint our houses. And we all have to by our paint from the same store. Cosy Appeal. Only if you mix up the letters, that spells apocalypse, see.
Clarence: Clever. And the shoes?
Daisy: Laced with fluoride to spike the paint.
Clarence: Wow. They think of everything.
Daisy: They are the bad guys.
Clarence: I’ll say.
Daisy: I’d better go finish this off.
Clarence: You’d better. Let me know how that goes.
Daisy exits. Clarence goes into the other room and comes back with a suitcase and exits as well
Scene 20: Birthday Party
A birthday party with Chain and Harry and the Goons and Chain’s little adopted sister through the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. At the same: Daisy loading herself up with various small weapons. the partyers sing happy birthday and bring out a cup cake while Daisy makes a phone call
Can you put me through to good-guy headquarters?
Yeah it’s me.
Pause - she’s on hold
We need bigger guns.
No, really really bigger.
she gestures to show how big
Can we get them from a different supplier?
No, that’s OK.
No, I’ll make do.
She hangs up. The party continues. Daisy disappears
Chain: Open the gifts! Open the gifts! Here, this one is from me.
Daisy bursts in on the party
Daisy: Party’s over. Throw up those hands.
Chain & Harry: Daisy Chainsaw!
Chain: Did you invite her?
Harry: Me? No.
Daisy: Let’s cut the chit chat. Where are the shoes?
Chain and Harry look at each other, then at the box Chain’s little sister was about to open
Daisy: In the box, eh? I’m on to you people. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes. Hand it over.
Chain: Sally, give Daisy the box.
Sally: But it’s my birthday.
Chain: I know dear, but she has bigger guns than we do.
Sally starts to cry
Harry: You’ve made Sally cry on her birthday. Here’s the box, now will you leave?
Daisy: Not on your little life, you THREE RIG ZIT SPY.
Harry: Come again?
Daisy: I’m on to you.
She opens the box and takes out the shoes. She looks at them. Smells them. Licks them
Chain: What are you doing?
Daisy: Smell like shoes. Taste like shoes. Where’s the fluoride?
Chain: What fluoride?
Daisy: To paint the houses and take over Goshen.
Chain: You’re crazy.
Harry: They’re just shoes.
Chain: Not just any shoes.
Daisy: Aha. Out with it.
Chain: These are Green Speed #12, one of eleven ever made, the only size 7. These are rare and hard to get. These are a birthday present for my favorite sister, Sally.
Daisy: You never get me anything on my birthday.
Chain: You’re not my favorite sister, are you?
Daisy: I’m your only sister! One of one in the world! She’s just someone you picked up off the street!
Chain: Big Brothers, Big Sisters, actually.
Harry: You two are sisters?
Chain: Well, she changed her name and went all crazy on us. ‘Chainsaw’? Come on.
Daisy: It’s better than ‘Daisysaw’, that doesn’t make any sense.
Sally: Can I have my shoes?
Daisy: What about the mayor? He was in cahoots with you on this plot too. I know it.
Harry: You sure know how to ruin a party.
The Mayor awkwardly jumps out of a box. He was supposed to be a surprise
Daisy: I’m on to you. That legislation to paint our houses - Chain put you up to that so she could take over Goshen.
Mayor: Chain? No. Chain put me up to jumping out of a box for her little sister.
Daisy: Someone put you up to it! I know they did!
Mayor: Well it was proposed by the Sisterhood of the Traveling YaYa’s of the Apocalypse.
Daisy: I knew it! Wait. Who’s that?
Mayor: I don’t know.
Clarence jumps in with a SuperSoaker full of Green water
Clarence: Aha, fools!
Clarence: Clarence X, the ‘X’ is for Xena.
Daisy: The Sisterhood of what?
Clarence: Well, it’s really just me. It never took off.
Daisy: The Apocalypse! Cosy Appeal!
Chain: Are you serious?
Harry: Only if you spell ‘Cozy’ with an ‘s’.
Clarence: Don’t you spell ‘Cosy’ with an ‘s’?
Daisy: Only if you’re… British!
Clarence: HaHA. My little secret has gotten out, has it. Well, you all know to much. Feel the wrath of the fluoride!
She sprays everyone and then the audience
Clarence: That will teach you to come see experimental theatre!
Daisy jumps on her and they wrestle for a bit
Clarence: No. No. That’s mine. Hey. Give it.
Daisy ends up on top with the SuperSoaker
Daisy: Ha. Daisy Chainsaw. The Chainsaw is for Chainsaw.
Sally: This is MY party!
Everyone turns to look at her
Sally: Would everyone please sit down now, so I can open my gifts, or leave.
Sally: Now where are those gifts?
Daisy gets the shoes and wraps them back up as well as she can. She hands them to Sally who opens the box
Sally: Yay! Shoes! That’s just what I wanted! This is the best birthday EVER. God bless us every one.