(Two rocks in a driveway. They’ve been here a while)
Greg: So, I had this dream last night. And the sky was falling, which is strange cause usually I’m falling–
Greg: Right. So I was scared. I mean I was so freaked out I was like, like, like I was scared, because, you know, like the sky was falling on me and–
Jake: That was so yesterday, man.
Jake: You’re repeating yourself, man. The sky’s been falling in your sleep for the last three years.
Greg: Oh. But-
Jake: It’s boring me. Boooo-ring me. Lets go do something. I mean, This whole time we’ve just been sitting here. Our whole lives – wasted!
Greg: I’m telling you about my day.
Jake: You’re a rock, man.
Jake: Who cares about your day?
Greg: My mom.
Jake: Right. OK. Can we go? I’m sick of this place.
Greg: We’re rocks.
Jake: Did that stop Maxine?
Jake: You heard me, man.
Greg: I heard you. You said Maxine.
Jake: Maxine made it.
Greg: Hey, did I say something? I didn’t say anything.
Jake: Whatever, man. Can we go?
Greg: We’re frickin’ pebbles!
Jake: You’re just scared. You can’t handle the truth, man. Screw pebbles, what about life? What about Love? What about being picked up by little Billy and being skipped across the lake?
Greg: You’ll die.
Greg: You’ll die. Water? Erosion? Where have you been? Glaciers mother fricker!
Jake: And where would we be without glaciers? That’s right. Canada. Friggen Canada. So just chill out and lets get living.
(Enter DAFFODIL, a candy wrapper, from above)
(She breaks into tears. Jake and Greg look at each other)
Greg: Holy Moses, It’s happening!
Greg: I told you. I warned you and you didn’t listen and now we’re gonna–
Jake: Will you shut up?
Do you see that?
Greg: Listen to me!
Jake: You’re so friggen igneous.
Look, man. These things don’t just happen.
You know what I mean? They don’t just happen.
We’re gonna die. Lets go.
Jake (to DAFFODIL): Hello?
Greg: Careful Jake.
Jake: Shut up, man. What is it? What did she say? She said something!
Greg: She? She what? IT fell out of the flippin sky!
Jake: She talked. She said something. What was that you said?
Daffodil: God, that hurt.
Jake: She talks! She fu- she talks man! This is it. This is like a sign. It’s like, it’s like, it’s like our way out! It’s like, this is it! It’s like, finally!
Greg: It’s like we’re gonna die.
Jake: I think I’m in love.
Greg: I think I’m gonna die.
Jake: Did you hear that Greg? Your negativism will get you nowhere! Life is starting! Think of the implications. All our lives just sitting here. Just sitting. And here this –- something – this –
Jake: – Something – falls out of the sky! Just think! It’s like, It’s almost like with Maxine.
You do that. I think I’m gonna die!
Greg: Forget Maxine.
Greg Jake:: What? Greg, come here. Greg. I’m not going to tell you again. I’m sick of all your historico-negative methodologisms. You live in the past, man. This is now. This is life. Here we are. A-- A something just fell out of the sky, and now it’s time to live.
Greg: We’re not alive to start with.
Jake: There you go again.
Greg: I’m not going anywhere and neither are you! Look at history man, just look at it. Have we moved? No. Can we move? Who gives a flying fart? Some something –
Daffodil: Candy Wrapper.
Greg: Shut up, shut up, shut up. It’s nothing! Something falling out of the sky like God’s excrement. We are nothing man. We are more than nothing. Less. Less darn it. We are less than God’s excrement.
Or yours, for that matter.
Jake: We are on the brink of a new millennium.
Greg: Apocalyptic poppycock!
Jake: We are the Ubermensch! The Uber. The best. We are evolving. We are on the brink of a new millennium! Moving is nothing to us!
Daffodil: Look at me!
Greg: We are next year’s trash. We are last year’s trash. We were driven over by a 1993 Ford something-or-other just 20 minutes ago. And now this other thing just fell on us!
Jake: Almost. She almost fell on us. And anyway, who says we are held fast by our histories? I’m standing up, man. I think I just grew a leg, or maybe a tail, or a toenail, I’m evolving! 5
Greg: You’re crazy.
Jake: So was Einstein.
Greg: So was Hitler. So was your mom. So was Jack the Flippin’ Ripper.
Jake: I’m evolving.
Daffodil: I think I sprained my ankle when I hit the ground.
Jake: She speaks! Evolution mother fricker! I am evolution.
Greg: You’re a crazy frumping idealist.
Daffodil: My name’s Daffodil. I’m a candy wrapper. How do you do?
Greg (To Jake): You’re a flipping moron, that’s what you are! You think you’ll change this despicable world and grow legs! You’re a pebble, you pebble! And your mom was a pebble, and your grandma was a pebble, and your great grandpa was picked up by little Billy’s older brother and thrown into the lake. And you know that Maxine’s fate was even worse! You know it, man! Oh, she got picked up all right–
Jake: –Maxine’s a goddess, don’t you dare–
Daffodil: –I have a joke on the inside.
Greg: She was picked up. Picked up and taken inside the big house. Oh she moved! Grew legs, if that’s what you want. Inside the big frapping house!
Jake: Stop that, you pebble!
Greg: Oh pebble is it? Pebble? I’ll tell you about a pebble. She was beautiful. She was. She got picked up. Taken inside the house, and ground to pieces, to dust, to nothing for Billy’s big brother’s science project. Seventh grade. Seventh flapping grade!
Jake: Don’t talk like that! The world is changing, you blob of primordial sludge! God has sent me here my salvation, the woman to change my life forever! You will be left behind because of your inability to adapt. You are old hat. Old head. Old whole farting body! You are granite, you are less than granite! I spit on your dust!
Daffodil: Did you hear the one about the cat?
Greg: Can’t you see we’re in the middle of something? Can’t you see for god’s sake? You think you can just fall in on us like this? You think that-–? You think you can-–?
Well you can’t.
Jake: You’re wrong Greg. Life is moving in new directions. We are evolving, moving forward. The future is perfection! The sky’s not even the limit! The sky has come to me – this something from the sky has come to me and I am a new man!
Daffodil: My name is-–
Jake: –Oh my great something! My savior! My own true piece of the sky! My-–
Daffodil: –Daffodil motherfucker!
But I’m really a candy wrapper.
(The wind picks up and DAFFODIL is blown away)
Jake: Shut up.
Greg: You’re so stupid.