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I lost the images for this one. Maybe I’ll track them down at some point…

Look, I know this is a difficult topic – touching on issues that are important to many of us: violence against women and animals, white supremacy, toxic masculinity, blonde hair, the music of Moby, and of course: [[trucknutz]] Truck Nutz – the perfect cock for every hitch.

So: Is Melville’s white whale a nautical neo-Nazi? Is Moby’s vegan activism a cover for sea-fascist sympathies? Will truck nutz ever be cool?

Probably not, but these are the questions we need to ask.

Ok, first: let’s take a step back:

Why are we even comparing a film auteur to someone else’s literary leviathan? It’s like debating Dr Frankenstein against Someone Else’s Monster. Like, anyone’s monster. [[cookie]] Here’s a monster. He likes cookies. How do you feel about this monster in relation to [[victor]] a fictional german scientist? [[babadook]] Here’s a gay monster, he’s kinda cute. And this one [[clown]] is from the new movie It, based on a Stephen King novel.

Spoiler alert: it’s a clown.

Remember all those creepy clown pranks last year? That was just a marketing campaign for this dumb movie. I looked it up. On Elementary season 5, episode 12 – Crowned Clown, Downtown Brown – Lucy Liu and Jonny Lee Miller solved this case for good:

Starts with a dead clown [[dead]] in the woods. Turns out, the clown was hired to act creepy and scare people – to promote a horror film. [[clown]] And Kip – that’s the dead clown, not the movie clown – is a reporter trying to expose the whole thing! So [[king]] Steven King is the likely killer, right? But, plot twist! He actually saw [[guy]] some other guy trying to poison New York City’s water, so he could sell [[filters]] water filters. Our clown was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Meanwhile, detective [[bell]] Marcus Bell runs into trouble in his new relationship with ADA Chantal [[chantal]], after punching her ex-husband in a bar [[fight]]. He was framed. Sexy time. [[censored]]

Life is crazy, right? In the next episode, character actor [[whitlock]] Isiah Whitlock Jr. takes Watson hostage, and there’s a maple-syrup heist, and something about hockey [[canada]]. I couldn’t sleep for a week.

Back to whale cocks – Let me read you a bit of Moby Dick:

Had you stepped on board the Pequod at a certain juncture of this post-mortemizing of the whale; pretty sure am I that you would have scanned with no small curiosity a very strange, enigmatical object, which you would have seen there, lying along lengthwise in the lee scuppers.

(Spoiler alert: He’s about to describe Moby’s Actual Dick)

Not the wondrous cistern in the whale’s huge head; not the prodigy of his unhinged lower jaw; not the miracle of his symmetrical tail; none of these would so surprise you, as half a glimpse of that unaccountable cone – longer than a Kentuckian is tall, nigh a foot in diameter at the base…

(that would technically make Hitchcock shorter than a whale boner, but substantially thicker, so.)

Look at the sailor, called the mincer, who now comes along, and assisted by two allies, heavily backs the grandissimus, as the mariners call it, and with bowed shoulders, staggers off with it as if he were a grenadier carrying a dead comrade from the field.

(it’s like stations of the cross with a whale cock. Now there’s a bit about skinning the pelt, more euphemisms, and a bit of fluffing-and-stretching to make the thing wide enough.)

Then cutting two slits for arm-holes at the other end, he lengthwise slips himself bodily into it. The mincer now stands before you invested in the full canonicals of his calling.

(Etc etc. Then he compares the mincer to the pope – because… here, I drew a picture:)


Then there’s a list of scientists and authors interested in whales. Riveting.

So, let’s bring this back to the real issue: [[two-up]] which of these two massive old white peckers are you going to vote for? The one who came to define an entire genre, or the one who cums in the ocean? [[sperm]]

Yeah, this Dick’s a sperm whale. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And yeah, If you’re a trans dyke like me – (and I’m sure most of you are) – you’re like: who cares? What’s this classic hitch/cock-measuring contest have to do with me? But then you remember, you are the perfect judge: experienced, yet emotionally detached. Objective.

And that white fucking whale might be a Nazi.

So yeah, vote for Alfred TruckNutz.