Speaking of Pride

Minimalist music with fragments of memoir @ the interwebz

An LGBT concert of writers and composers by the Playground Ensemble, with three works by LGBT authors and the composers.

Fragments @ Invisible City (by Mirriam & Nathan Hall)

Fragments (lyrics)

We have a story in my family. My brother is young, nursing his favorite doll. He says I’m going to be a mommy when I grow up! Mom is proud but corrects him –  boys grow up to be daddies.

He sets down the doll, and never picks it back up. Cis doesn’t mean simple, he tells me now, a father of two. I keep my dolls much later in life, their unexpected aunt.

I never felt like a girl. What do girls feel like? I didn’t always know, and dream of wearing dresses. I wasn’t consistent, insistent, or persistent. I was frustrated.

A friend asks me what it means to be a woman. I have no idea. What does it mean for you to be your gender?

Hanson is on the radio.
Why is Hanson on the radio?

If I had a story like that, maybe everything would make sense. Maybe I could string this together into a narrative: beginning, middle, and end. Life doesn’t work that way.

A visiting trans friend asks where I get my Testosterone. I make it inside my body, I tell him. I’d give it to you if I could.

Hormones are slow magic.

In my dreams, I’m transgender.
In the mirror, I’m uncertain.
In public, I’m a woman.

In Colorado, your chosen name has to sue your given name for the right to exist.

I don’t get to put all the pieces together. “Passing” is not something I do, but something that happens to me — not a way of presenting, but a way of being seen. Fickle. In a single moment I can be seen and not seen, gendered and misgendered. Ungendered, and undressed.

I don’t believe in authenticity, but I do believe in pain, and doing something to survive it.

Trying on clothes to see if they fit is way better than trying on clothes to see if your gender fits. I didn’t know there was a difference, until everything changed.

I can finally hate my body for the normal reasons.

music’ orgs

Teacup Gorilla

dark indie-rock soundscapes with evocative poetry

33 ‘music’ episodes

2019

PRF BBQ Denver @ The Bakery

dark indie-rock soundscapes with evocative poetry

2018

JANE/EYRE @ The Bakery

We are not here to flatter egotism, or prop up humbug; we are merely telling the [queer] story. We value what is good in the book; but we believe in the existence of other, and more vivid kinds of goodness.

2017

2016

2015

2014

Teacup Gorilla @ Bouldering Poets Anniversary

dark indie-rock soundscapes with evocative poetry

2013

Teacup Gorilla @ Bouldering Poets

dark indie-rock soundscapes with evocative poetry

2010

Raven Jane

Rachel’s powerful vocals combine her Appalachian roots with a hard-rocking force. Mixed with the indie, post-rock-inspired experimentations of the band, they create a layered sound that aims for the gut and head.

Missa Populi @ PackingHouse Center for the Arts

Combining the sacrifice, transcendence, blood, and circumstance of the Catholic Mass with history, live music, science, dance, literature, and pop culture to find a wholly modern communion experience. What we have left is our selves, broken and battered, but surviving together.

2009

2007