Hi, I’m here to tell you about Bea Arthur–

-ian legend

Specifically, Season 6, episode 23 – Night at a Round Table. Let’s meet the protagonist, our hero

Bea Arthur

Not to be confused with Arthur the anthropomorphic aardvark

aka anteater

or any of the actual four species of suborder vermilingua, the worm tongues

Bea grew up in the Bronx

attending the linden school for girls

while arthur grew up in Elwood City

and currently attends Lakewood Elementary school

So season 6, episode 23 – night of the round table. here we go.

Brooklyn. Dusk. The sun sinks low on the the city that never sleeps.

Nearby Elwood City also descends into darkness

Arthur is in bed, settling in for a night of Bionic Bunny, Special Edition. Is it 4:30pm? Why is the sun setting so early? Or is Arthur awake at 4:30am? We’ll never know

Because our story takes place in a sunshine state suddenly devoid of sun. Miami at Night.

Now available on Amazon for 24.99 – only 11 left in stock.

Interior. The night is dark. Bea Arthur, sits at a table. Not just any table. This table is round.

A round table. Have you ever seen anything like it?

Yes, yes you have.

And so has Betty white, now sitting at the table with Bea Arthur. What hijinx will ensue?!

Well Bea’s like, Pizza Damnit, get pizza! And this is where everything goes wrong.

One day you’re like: sure, weed should be legal.

And the next thing you know, Denver is overrun by cortado-drinking

frat bros with their swords in the air

and a constant lodo beard-fest in the background of your once-chill round-table sitcom.

And now these bros are like: We already dominate the board room tables, we should take over the round tables as well!

And they start a round-table society, no girls allowed!

Where they all wear dumb robes, and it’s like the Freemasons or some goofy shit. Charlatans that something something something and make a hubbub in the city!

Bea Arthur could vomit just looking at them.

So she gets on the horn with her good friend Angela,

Writer of murders

And they concoct a plan.

Now, eagle eyed viewers will notice they’ve done all of this

at and around several important tables.

Not square tables.

These women are round-table pioneers – perfectionists of the form.

Bea even has a round chair to sit in. That’s dedication.

But the men have built this massive table now, and they’re all like:

Look at my sword. I got it from a stone or a lake-lady or whatever, and I gave it a name.

Hey, look at my sword. I named it Excalibur, and it makes me the king.

Why won’t you look at my sword? I sent you a picture of my sword, and it’s a big sword. Send nudes.

Bea has nudes, of course, but not for you. She doesn’t care about your sword, Chad.

Oh, you don’t like swords – well look at my lance. I have a huge lance. Do you like my lance? It’s so big. I love it so much they call me 

Gross. That’s gross.

So our Hero turns to her friends, and is like

We must be the change we wish to see in the world

And they all move to the living room, where the table has corners! They start a rectangle campaign!

Coffee tables!

Folding tables!

Buffet tables!

Whatever this is!

Meanwhile the men are all Purity of Essence! And Fluoridation in the water! And their tables get bigger and rounder

and more religious

And they’re busy comparing sword sizes in the locker room

while Bea, over in apt. 23, has a plan.

She was born for a moment like this.

you can’t bea more than she’ll be. She is Bea!

And you’re just a wannabe!

Why is she even discussing this with you?

Now Lance guy’s all butt-hurt about it, and he charges in with his weapon erect.

But our Golden Girls aren’t scared

and Bea leads an army of Star Wars Christmas Special aliens to defeat the creepy secret sword society

and they construct a memorial in memory of that night! The night of the round table. Never forget.

Bea Arthur delivers!

There are other legends too, of course…

Like when she wins the spelling bee

and makes an album for kids. It’s alright to cry. I love that song.

Happy Bea-day.

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